To...Littles, part 2.

[To the readers: she replied in a separate post of her own.]

Back to back, right?

You know, I believe that with enough faith and love to use as footholds, Littles, that if you put your back on one side of the mountain of problems that lay between us, and I put my back on the other, and we push up really hard at the same time, that maybe we'll be able to lift it enough to get our hands underneath it. And if we get our hands underneath it, and push and pull a little harder, so long as we're in unison, we can lift it to our shoulders. And if we do that, well, then we would've made it to the hardest part; but if we rest the mountain on both of our shoulders, it won't be so heavy, and then with a little more gumption and a lot more push, we'll be able to finally heave it up, up, and away...and come together.

My fear, Littles, is that you will not be able to stand with me on opposite sides of the troubles to help me lift, and I simply don't know if I have enough strength within myself to do it all alone. But I will try, I promise you that. I will certainly try my hardest.

Not to say I don't understand. To find someone you love more than this is a beautiful and rare thing, and my dear, we both have found it. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't make any choices different from you. My problem comes with him. Littles, if I were in his shoes, I would do everything differently. But, I'm talking in circles that only you will understand, and I suppose I'm getting too involved in your life, especially since I am no longer welcomed in it. I will cease and desist with this portion of my diary to you.

Again, I find myself at an utter loss for words.

Well, that's actually not correct at all. I find myself overwhelmed and suffocated by so many words that I want to spit out at once like gunfire, that I can't figure out which ones to start with.

The "Enter" key seems to be a good friend right now while I figure it out.

See?

I suppose I could start with everything I must say to you.

Firstly (it's a word, don't argue), I really must say that I am so very sorry. Words alone cannot express to you just how deeply troubled and insanely guilty I feel for the things that I did. Don't shake your head. No -- hush. Listen. I messed up, and I know it. I said hush! You know that old saying, let God be God all by himself? Well, I try to forget it about as often as I can it seems like, and as soon as I do, I hurt someone...like I helped to hurt you. Moreover, I was completely and totally (though unconsciously -- not to excuse myself but to let you know I would never knowingly do this) disrespectful to you.

Yea, though your gait's on the narrow and straight,

I walk beside on the crooked and wide.

Yea, though you say to head over your way,

I take your hand and drag you to my land.

I have no clue where that came from...made it up on the spot. Anyway, I knew your position in the church, I knew the kind of life you were trying to lead, and I scoffed at it. It took me a long time to realize I had done that. It was a terrible, terrible thing for me to do, and I am so very sorry.

Secondly, I will say that my attempts (all, save this one, have failed) to communicate with you have not been to hurt you. God, that's the last thing I want to do. It's a selfish thing, Littles, but I just do not want you to forget about me. You're one of three other people in this world that remembers or will ever remember who I am, not what I've done. I miss you terribly, but I am not unhappy, nor am I having any trouble surviving. It hurts. It definitely hurts. But I've been through worse. Don't exactly remember what right at the moment...but something.

Thirdly, as I do not want to complicate your life any more than I already have, and as I do not want to hurt you any more than I already have, I will stop these somewhat silly little things completely, at your request. Just post that you wish it, and it will happen. I love you more than myself, Littles, much, much more.

Now, I suppose I can say something that I should say because I love you so much. Littles, you were the first person that came into my life who God used to show me that at the end of my days, I could never stand up and honestly say that I was never loved by someone who, by the laws of proper society, did not "have" to love me. Thank you for being the living and breathing benefit of the doubt as pertains to the good in the world. And if you have ever truly cared about me at all, Littles, you will do me this one favor: keep talking to God, but most of all, don't ever stop listening. Especially when I tell you to.

I don't know who I am, who I am without you.

All I know is that I should.

I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you.

All I know is that I should.

'Cause [he] will love you more than I could,

[he] who dares to stand where I stood.

And I won't be far from where you are,

if ever you should call.

You meant more to me than anyone

I ever loved at all.

But you taught me how to trust myself,

and so I say to you,

this is what I have to do...